Dealing with my Ugly

I haven’t written much in a while.  To be honest, I’ve been a bit unsure as to how to publicly reveal my process and thought it might be a bit “too much” for people.  This morning, I think I found the language I needed.  Or maybe my internal processing has finally reached the “reveal” stage.

This morning as I laid in bed, I decided to scroll through my gallery of pictures in my phone.  I felt drawn to the ones taken when I was living in Redding, California.  Personally, I occasionally need a picture, journal entry or something seemingly insignificant to spark a memory or awaken my true identity.  There are so many voices trying to tell us who we are whether in the media, social media, our past, current problems, broken relationships, or perceived failures, and the list continues. In this stage of my life, I find myself having to internally battle for what I thought I won in personal, spiritual growth over the past year.  The truths that were established in me are rising to meet the naysayers, but not without me having to confront what I believe about myself, my journey, and my current surroundings.

View from Hilltop. Redding, CA

 I knew I’d return to Maryland this past summer.  My beloved twin sister was getting married and I had reached the end of my funds.  I would at least have to work for the summer before returning to BSSM, that is, if I was returning. I didn’t think I’d be able to make it through first year most of the time.  So why not try for second year… maybe?  I had this expectation that things would fall into place after graduating first year and that I would just have more of a knowing about my future regarding second year and in general.  This has NOT been my experience… and thus enters my old enemy/friend, Disappointment.

As the school year was drawing to a close, there was this “harmless,” persistent question among classmates and the Bethel staff that plagued me and targeted my uncertainty:  “Are you gonna do 2nd year?”  My answer had become, “No.  I’m gonna go back home.”  But it wasn’t my response because I didn’t want to return to BSSM.  It was here that I first experienced what it was like to live a dream that I carried in my heart for years.  It was here that I lived so many highs and lows, that while it wasn’t comfortable, I knew I was alive. Nobody had to tell me to be thankful.  It bubbled out of me daily to God in prayer.  This was an opportunity of a lifetime.  I knew it and I made it a point to treasure every day.  There were a lot of factors that played into my answer to return to Maryland long-term.  I was able to attend school this past year because of the generosity of many people who donated finances towards my tuition and living expenses.  It felt irresponsible for me to commit to second year and, in a sense, “tax” the people who made this possible.  I also wanted to find out for myself if this stuff really worked, meaning could I live a victorious life with Jesus from all that I gained from intense teaching at this amazing school.  Now I realize, it does work. The question is if I can hold onto who I am and what I believe while living apart from my Bethel community.

View from the Civic Center - Redding, CA

Bethel Church - Redding, CA

Now, I can’t explain it to the super rational mind.  There was something in me that felt freed from Maryland and my old life once I left for California.  I knew I felt like I was trapped before, but the thought of coming back and being “stuck” again mildly tormented me.  Please understand, I love my family, boyfriend, and coworkers.  I’m still trying to pinpoint the root of this feeling. Regardless of the root cause however, Maryland is my home again, some friends have already started second year, and my journey has been quite ugly and raw to the average “Christian.”

I come from a “Word of Faith” background where people are encouraged to speak faith-filled words about their lives, process, God, etc.  I don’t think this is bad. In fact,it’s where I came from.  But to deny your current truth for the sake of appearances is not how I operate.  How can I welcome encouragement and help honestly without telling you what I’m experiencing, even if it’s negative?  I think this mindset of speaking faith began with God, but has since gotten a bit twisted with the lies that sin is big, evil, and dirty; that God can’t deal with my sin; and if I’m holy, I can’t look upon your ugly without being tainted.”  It’s bogus really and fear-based.  God isn’t surprised by my “ugly.”  He even invites confrontation with Himself because He desires pure relationship.  It’s in healthy confrontation where an exchange of truth can occur and a new normal can be created.  Show me an honest, intimate relationship whether among family members, close friends, or a husband and wife, and I can guarantee you that it’s not always pretty.  Actually, it can be quite messy.  But that’s okay.  When your goal in relationship is connection, you’ll be committed to work through mess.

Three of my housemates at the Sundial Bridge

My amazing small group during first year. They make me brave.

For months now, I’ve danced with the thought that I failed and was being punished. Social media can be a blessing and a curse.  Many of my classmates were returning and telling all of Facebook the euphoria they felt as they started their second year journey.  I had to take a hiatus from it so that I wouldn’t boil over with jealousy.  After all,I had my time and lived my dream for 8 months, right?  I had experienced what it was like to be a part of a culture that embraced the truth that God is a good Father, extremely personal, and desires freedom for me in every way imaginable.  What more could I ask for?  If I had done well and God was pleased with me, why am I back here?  Why do I feel so out of place and that I simply can’t go back to the “way things used to be” at my old church?  Weird huh?  I go to a Christian Revival School and feel most out of place at church.

Taken inappropriately during class at BSSM :)

It’s ironically quite easy to slip into old mindsets when you get into old environments if you allow yourself to forget who you are.  I used to think back on the times in Redding, with my lovely housemates and classmates and feel deep sadness and regret.  Now, I’ve graduated to actually trying to put to use what I’ve learned, pick my head up, and move forward.  Some days are harder than others and I don’t really know what it’s going to look like to “move forward.”

Declarations by Seth Dahl for Children's Church at Bethel 

I am most encouraged during these challenging times by the extreme goodness of God’s nature.  Despite the pain and rejection I may have felt/feel from churches or Christians in my past or present, I am still drawn to this eternally kind Jesus.  I don’t go to church for the sake of church.  I go because I need fellowship with believers who aren’t afraid of my mess.  It’s true Jesus died for all of my sin (and everyone else’s), but there is a heavenly mindset He also came to give us.  It’s a mindset where all things are possible because I believe that He’s good, and that I can love someone abundantly because He’s loved me completely.

Don’t worry about me, though, guys.  Even if I’ve failed in the eyes of some, I’m approaching my days with a better attitude.  Remember, you’re nobody’s victim.  Unless of course, you’re the victim of Poppa’s amazing love.  People are gonna get it wrong sometimes.  Everyone does at some point and needs to be loved through their mess.  If sin scares you, your god is too small. 

Check out 1 John 4:18.  Perfect love drives out fear.  Fear has torment.  Be made perfect (whole entire) by being loved by a good Father who knows what He's doing (even if you don't).

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The Bridesmaids and Bride of the Blair Wedding in Maryland

My "friend" Transition...

I've always been one that has needed extended time adjusting to big transitions.  I thought this was just something that came about in my adult life, but after talking to my mom recently, I learned that even as a child I didn't do well with change.

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Usually when God is preparing me for something big, I usually (but not always) get at least a 6-month adjustment period to merely become okay with the idea.  [Yeah, I get babied in some areas, but He knows what we all need.]  The preparation needed for me to move out to Redding, California took a few years.  It took my a couple years to work myself up enough to apply to BSSM.  Then the drama of finally applying, getting accepted, then planning to move across the country.  Don't get me wrong, I was totally excited and splurged on cupcakes during my church's yearly fast (shhhh.... don't tell).  But then came the HOW and WHAT IF questions.  I'm sure we all have experienced those at some point in our lives.  I admittedly had a few anxiety attacks, but was totally blessed to have friends and family to calm me down with words or affection during those moments (thanks guys).

So, as I write, I'm adjusting to my most recent transition of moving back to the east coast and processing the past 8-9 months of my transformational adventure in CA.  Transition is a constant enemy (err... uhhh... friend) to us all.  I'm trying to make him a friend and shorten my adjustment period to his interruptions in my type-A, loving-to-plan-my-life personality.  I know for me, it relates to my need to feel in control, even if it's just an illusion. Event the most mature person can only control himself/herself.  But if you really think about it, that is power.  It's power to choose my attitude, how I love others, if I love others, and make decisions.  I am powerful, though I'm not in total control of my world.

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It's been lovely to be back with family, friends, and coworkers.  People we love are meant to be irreplaceable.  I was able to return to my previous job and begin working quite quickly.  However, Carmax was blessed with my beloved Nissan Cube before I left for Cali, so upon my return to MD, I was super dependent on others for transportation, even to go to work.  Ironic, eh?  Little Miss Control Freak needs others to leave the house, work and have a social life.  It's all good.  People were super kind and generous in my state of being "transportationally" challenged. I truly know the best people on earth.

Though I have returned to many people I love and missed, it's still been difficult adjusting.  My  journey at Bethel and the amazing people I got to do life with composed a dream of mine that was finally realized.  I learned that I wasn't crazy, and that the desires, dreams, and relationships in my heart were possible.  It had incredibly high points with equally scary low points.  I learned so much about my personal identity and about the nature of God.  I know the way it happened was just what I needed, even though it wasn't what I expected.  Sometimes wrong expectations can lead to the greatest disappointments.  In those moments, I learned from a good friend (my British roommate, Anna <3) to hold on to the truth that God is good and kind.  It built a rock in me.  That is where I go when I know nothing else.  It's what I hold onto when nothing makes sense or everything seems contrary to the incredibly good nature of God.

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One of the other things I cling to during these uncertain times of transition is the truth taught by senior leader of Bethel Church and BSSM, Bill Johnson, is that God prepares us for where we're going.  You have all you need right now for what you're facing.  He often speaks to us about where we're going or what we'll face, even if we're unaware at the time of His counsel.  Maybe the answer isn't in what He said to you, but it's in the people He's placed around you.  There are so many avenues from which our answers come.  I've learned that sometimes my answer isn't what I expected.  It may come in the revelation or confirmation of His good nature.  The danger comes when we're tempted to believe that we're helpless or stuck.

So if your life is being interrupted by Transition currently, I would encourage you to make him your friend.  Instead of dragging your feet in fear of the adjustment being required of you, consider embracing him with the thought that something really good is about to happen. Don't shut out the people that love you. My really good friend, Kasey, who isn't a believer, really encouraged me the other day by asking me if I really thought God viewed me negatively.  It was one of those vulnerable talks that I love having because I need authenticity. I am blessed to have some really safe, loving people around me and who don't often agree with me theologically. This goes against the core values of quite a few Christians who only have Christian friends.  I would dare say, you're cutting yourself off from some amazing relationships.  Use your own judgment.  Ask Holy Spirit.  I'm nobody's god.  I just try my best to represent Him well.  "Sinners" loved Jesus.  It was the religious leaders of his time that were most offended by Him.

There were multiple rabbit trails in that last paragraph that I won't apologize for.  Remember, where you are right now is full of possibility.  Your Answer is close by.  You can control yourself and that's real power.  Decide what you're going to do... and don't forget to love well.

 

I write, therefore I AM

I've always enjoyed writing.  Even as a child, the concept of creating my own elaborate reality intrigued me. When I was about 8 years old and in third grade, I remember participating in a Write-a-Book contest that my school held annually or biannually (hey, I can’t remember everything).  I had such high hopes and thoroughly enjoyed the process of creating, writing, illustrating, and even binding my own book.  It felt professionally adult-like and I loved it.

 As you can imagine, the story produced by that of an eager 8-year-old isn't entirely life-changing.  My desire to tell an epic story was intensely ambitious, and my resulting story left me quite disappointed.  I think I was a relatively mature child, with a mind beyond my earthly years.  I think, at some level, I knew there was much more possible in an unlimited imagination that I couldn't seem to fathom or verbalize.  I creatively set the bar high at a young age.  I started a romance with poetry around the age of eleven.  I reached a new level of stardom at age thirteen when I wrote a poem for my mom and my soon-to-be step dad that was read at their wedding.   Obviously, this was a low level of influence, and my mom has always been uber supportive of my creative endeavors.  Still, she helped fan the flame of my verbally expressive heart and mind.

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Clearly, a lot has changed since childhood and my early adolescence, but my creative literary love remained.  I matriculated through high school taking standard English classes, until an honors class as a senior.  Then in college, I took some required English courses.  My vocabulary increased and I had the benefit of a dysfunctional first love relationship to take my poetry to a whole new level.  There’s nothing that inspires a writer’s pen like heartache.  While it was a painful experience, it elevated my emotional vocabulary and capacity to empathize.  Check out that silver lining, baby.

Within the last week of beginning this blog post, I encountered a tragic yet inspirational blog by an author and songwriter in the Christian world by the name of Christa Black.  Her baby came early during the pregnancy and only lived outside of the womb for 40 minutes.  She had a rare disease that caused her death.  Her parents held her closely, loving her tenderly and weeping for as long as they possibly could.  It was tragic, and in the midst of such agony, there lived such hope.  (See Christa’s blog at christablack.com).  Reading Christa’s blog post and experiencing her grieving process through her Instagram account put me in my own thought process regarding influence, pain and evangelism.

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Many people flock to listen to Howard Stern's radio show because he tends to be honest and raw. While uncouth and controversial at times, Howard is faithful to voice an honest opinion, ask real questions, and appreciate an artist’s ingenuity. His influence extends to the many that either support and appreciate his views and radio show or those who critique or attack it.

Similarly, as it relates to writing, an author’s audience is directly related to his or her realm of influence, reputation, and integrity (or lack thereof).  People don’t tend to read the material of someone who isn’t well-known, professionally recognized, or has had little contribution or impact to society.  But it all begins somewhere, right?  You work with what you've got, steward what you've been given, and watch your influence grow.  If you treat people poorly or don’t take seriously the influence you do have, it can quickly dwindle down.  There’s so much truth in these words from John C. Maxwell, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”  Christa’s level of influence can be associated with her book God Loves Ugly, renowned success in songwriting, powerful public speaking, blog posts, and so much more.  It can be said that she models good stewardship and relies heavily on her relationship with Jesus to care for people well.

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And reeling it in for the pain bit, I must make the point that while God doesn't send tragedy to teach us, it does teach us something while depositing empathy that we need to comfort others.  Paul wrote about this directly in his letter to the church at Corinth – “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).  Many of the great Christian revivalists in history were marked by loss and tragedy that fueled them with compassion to affect countless people that were hurting, sick or dying.  John G. Lake, a healing revivalist, lost many siblings and eventually his first wife to illness.  He also saw countless touched by God, miraculously healed, and forever changed. Lake is one of many revivalists covered in Roberts Liardon’s book, God’s Generals.

I can speak personally, though my pain doesn’t include many deaths of loved ones (excluding grandparents), it does leak of heartache and betrayal.  While God is a Restorer of all things, certain processes helped create in me a bent towards others who are hurting or who have been betrayed.  Bill Johnson, apostle and pastor of Bethel Church in Redding, California, spoke on a Sunday in October 2013 in regards to mission work and had some great things to say about pain:

“All insanity at its root has efforts to avoid pain… You can’t live in a world insulated [from] or without pain and think you’re normal… Pain often moves you to action.”

I can’t imagine what Christa and her husband felt and are currently feeling as they grieve the loss of their baby girl.  They’re comforted by loved ones who grieve with them, by an abundant God, Who is immensely loving, and by the knowledge that they’ll see her again in heaven.

This process that we all go through when we or those close to us experience pain is something God uses for good.  He works all things together for our good according to Romans 8:28.  He’s redeeming like that.  Sometimes I ask for compassion in prayer.  Other times it’s poured into me after heartache.  Whatever the case, I am better equipped to love others well.  This is the heart of evangelism.

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My obsession with a hope-filled future and a really good heavenly Father gives me a slightly biased opinion on evangelism.  You can hear so many different ways, methods or traditions regarding this topic from various religions or Christian denominations.  But my favorite is one that isn't confined to a formula.  It’s simply to let God love me and then I do my best to love those around me.  I don’t type this from a place of “arriving.”  There’s always room to grow and everyone needs to be loved outrageously on a day-to-day basis.  When my life has reached its end and I’m seeing Jesus face to face, I want to hear Him say, “Good job, Dear One.  You loved well.”

Yeah, I do want to be a good writer with great influence.  The path to that future began a long time ago, but it’s one that I must choose to walk daily.  Greatness doesn't always involve overcoming tragedy, but it does entail overcoming obstacles and stewarding well what you’re given.  Pain is something that we need (I need) to stop avoiding.  It just leads to insanity.  There is wisdom in being a good steward of your heart.  But whenever you love people, you’re exposing yourself to potential pain.  Take heart, pain is not your end.  It is merely a means to a beginning of compassion to love even more people with a heart that’s been mended and constantly loved by Jesus.

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P.S.  I’m praying for you, Christa Black.  Thank you for being transparent and loving well.