If you want to be a "good" Christian, don't be like me...

I was the first in my immediate family to go full force into the charismatic Christian life.  After what seemed to be an intentional pull for my heart and soul in college, I gave myself to Jesus around the age of 20.  As you might imagine, a lot of my thinking and behavior were not exactly representative of Jesus the Christ.  I cussed like a sailor and was out to prove to the world how amazing I was, in the most sheltered way possible.  I had a lot of growing and experiencing to do.  Nonetheless, I was hungry for Jesus and the Bible, and eventually church events.  I would read the Bible for hours on end, not understanding it as much as I would have liked, but searching for the Jesus that I had come to desire wholeheartedly.

Throughout the years, my mom and sister have begun their own personal God journey.  But I can still hear my mom say to me (regarding something I either did, said, or took pleasure in), "That's not the 'Christian' thing to do."   In the instance I'm remembering, she was referring to my love for the movie, Kill Bill, which in essence is a story of woman's revenge, containing an intense level of violence in it for her liking.  I think it's ironic when people say that because who really knows what the Christian thing to do is unless you're in relationship with the Christ.  There's the generic knowledge of good and evil that can be seen in our American laws (i.e. "Murder, stealing.. BAD," *in the caveman grunt*)  Another funny thing, I never claimed to have my life together to the point of being a "good Christian."  I'm out here trying to do the best I can while holding on to the hope that I have in Jesus to use my life for good.  I've made A LOT of mistakes on my own and others under the guidance of church leaders with good intentions.  I think we ALL have been hurt by someone with good intentions, as if mere intentions can determine actual effects (a naive concept).  The more I think about it and consider my faults, the more I know that Jesus is good and that I need him.

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This past week, there have been two deaths to affect me and those in my close circle of friends.  It spawned a conversation between us, which then sparked a kind of revelation regarding the Christian culture that I've come to know and hate.  I was a part of a word of faith church for 10 years before making the decision to leave.  In that time, I was also exposed to various teaching via podcasts and itinerant speakers that would visit local (and sometimes not so local) churches.  It was during this discussion with my friends that I started speedily reflecting upon the mental libraries holding journals of notes from church sermons I'd collected over the years (it was like that part of my life was flashing before my eyes).  I realized that I have yet to remember anyone speak on loving people through conditions that clash with their own faith.  I've deduced  that people are so focused on not losing faith that they can't find peace in their uncertainty.  I know this for a fact because it described me not so long ago.

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Many years ago I had a Christian friend who confided in me that she was diagnosed with breast cancer and was about to undergo medical treatment.  I was still a few years into my faith and this news really shook me.  Looking back, I realize that my theology could not both support myself and her sickness.  I believed in a loving God that could heal the sick and raise the dead.  And she was a Christian leader, liturgical dancer and loving woman who was active in our church.  How could this happen and why wasn't she healed yet?  It was at that point that I felt myself pull away from the friendship.  I simply didn't know how to love her despite her condition and past my own doubts in God.  It was easier to be distant and hold on to what I thought I knew than confront the mysteries of life and my own fears.  This lovely woman actually died a few years ago.  Since my mistake of pulling away, we had reconnected during her battle with cancer.  She was a private person and had some amazing victories in her fight.  We never regained the intimacy we once had in our friendship and I take responsibility for that now.  I have talked to her in my prayers, knowing she's in heaven.  I apologized for my ignorance and for not letting my love for her overwhelm my fear of the situation.

In the past few years, I have heard a few pastors and Christian leaders value relationship with people despite sin or life messiness.  I don't think it's generally taught how to love people when facing fear, disagreement, doubt and/or death.  There's an in between stage that we've been told to push through with faith.  It resembles denying what we're experiencing to find the promise that Jesus left us.  Could this denial simply be done to pacify our faith so that we're not challenged to the point of not having answers?  Is it because not having answers gives us the unwanted opportunity to trust in God's nature to the point of discomfort?  Being a Christian, doesn't mean having answers to all the hard questions.  It means having a relationship with Jesus in all circumstances and conditions.

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I feel quite hypocritical typing that last statement.  I've had my own faith-shaking time myself where I've battled feeling far from God, thoughts that He's disappointed with me and my life, etc. But even in this dark time in my soul amidst my own uncertainties, God has been faithful to me to send people to love me and reveal His nature continually.

Life is guaranteed to present us with many opportunities to face our fears about ourselves and each other.  It also will provide us with the challenge to be courageous with our love and to hold on to our faith and  in the midst of uncertainty, resting in the comfort that Jesus is faithful anyway, even when we don't know how.


If you want to be a good Christian, know that it's not your perfection that makes you look like Jesus... It's His.  He is perfectly good and loves all the time, even in spite of the mess.

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