Breaking Point

A recent bout with the flu had me snuggling up to NetFlix over the past few days.  I encountered an entertaining dance film of the BBC persuasion called 'Street Dance.'  It follows a group of street dancers who, through a string of events, are forced to include some ballet dancers in their crew.  These dancers must come together to perform (and ideally win) a street dance competition in the UK.  They name their new dance crew "Breaking Pointe," a combo of words to indicate breaking the traditional dance rules, and including pointe, as a well-known form of ballet dance.  Usually street dance, with its many styles of hip hop, break-dancing and the like would never include a style of dance as structured and rigid as ballet.  My love for dance, with an interest in both styles of ballet and hip hip, and growing affection for all things British set the stage for me to love this film.  I highly recommend it.

The name of the dance crew of this awesome movie (if I do say so myself) has summarized the place I've found myself in at the end of almost four months in California.  I have been studying Jesus abroad, in a sense.  I've learned a lot about the Bible, the story of translations and how they came to be, contextual truths of \scripture with regard to early church culture, and so much more.  Then comes the stuff you learn outside of the classroom: where your trust lies, the ugly truths about what you believe and why, the hidden fears you didn't deal with or even know you had, etc.  Certain journeys and processes can happen in your own home and church culture.  However, my journey has led me here, to this very place of Redding, California... to a home and lovely group of ladies who now make up a life dance crew called #567.

I've had to face some core beliefs that aren't so pretty.  You know the ones shaped by your dysfunctional childhood and corresponding defense mechanisms to survive?  One of the core values (lenses through which you see and base your life on) of the school of ministry I attend is that 'God is good.'  Pretty basic, right?  Well, I learned that I agreed intellectually, but there were some areas in my heart where I struggled, unknowingly.  I've been through my own series of circumstances, ups and downs, and discovered that at my Breaking Point - the point where I thought I would lose it all - is really the point where I deal truthfully and find that impossibilities, fears, and lack don't separate me from a God that is good.  I finally know about myself, that no matter what happens (even failure), something has happened to my heart so much so that I could never turn away from what Jesus has done for me or the relationship He's invited me into with Him.

This is the promise I hold onto when all else seems to fade away -
... He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor fosake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!]
So we take comfort and are encouraged and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me?  - Hebrews 13:5-6 (Amplified)

Walk It Out...

Things in life can become overwhelming if you only consider the epicness of a single event and not all the steps that bring it together.  For example, a wedding day can potentially bring on a lot of emotions and anxieties.  When you consider all the necessary components of a venue, an officiant, a DJ, caterer, guest list, invitations, seating arrangement, honeymoon destination, hotel accommodations, etc all at once, some people would rather elope than deal with all of those factors.  But if broken up into smaller pieces and maybe delegating certain tasks, the bigger picture becomes less intimidating and more approachable in planning.  People occasionally procrastinate because the situation at hand seems hopeless.

As I enter into the third week in Redding, California, I also need to take days at a time to absorb what has happened in order to continue walking out this desire that's taking on a new life of it's own.  Otherwise, I freak out.  A lot has happened.  I've met amazing people, bonded strongly with my lovely, spunky roommates, been blown away by the generosity of kind souls, and experienced the comfort of a loving God.

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Any and every transition can appear scary because in essence it's a new thing - never to have been experienced before. But until you walk it out, you tend to only focus on what you're leaving behind and not what you're gaining or the doors that will start flying open once you take the first step.  The first step is often the hardest.  You may feel like you're being asked to walk on water, and it's possible that's exactly what the Doctor ordered.  To trust in God is easy if everything He asks of you makes sense logically.  We've been called to live a life that is orchestrated by an unseen reality and a relationship with a God Who is everywhere and also personally with you all the time.  Eventually you need to trust more in a relationship than logic.  Eventually I need to trust more in my relationship with God than what naturally makes sense.

People who think outside of the box are always labeled negatively at some point.  Those that inspire often think differently than the mass majority. I'm becoming more comfortable with the label 'crazy.'  If you never do what you dream of, you're the one left disappointed, not everyone else. And since when is failing more of a risk than playing it safe?  It depends on your perspective, I guess.  Some people never see God move because they live like they don't need Him.  Third world countries see more resurrections because they have less options.  They've even become commonplace ( http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/1796994/posts ).

So personally, this step into the unknown has been a hard and scary one.  But I've learned fear often blocks the door to your destiny, barking like dogs of doom (paraphrase of Kris Vallotton).  What you're passionate about but afraid to step out on could be linked to a destiny greater than you could have imagined.  Don't despise the faith you may have, though it seems small.  It may not seem like enough to cover an impossibility, but for me it started small and caused me to take the necessary steps to plan for a different future.  There's a scripture in Zechariah 4 that warns us "not to despise small beginnings."  In the New Testament, Jesus tells the story of a man who was a good steward over what he was given.  Because he was faithful over a few things, he would be given much more (see Matthew 25:23).

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As for a personal update, I've been living with three amazing roommates from the UK.  We've been supplied many things for free as God has moved on the hearts of the people here.  In Proverbs 25, it says that the heart of a king is in the hand of the Lord and He can turn it whatever way He chooses.  Favor from God can be seen in kindness and generosity received from men and women.  Since being in Redding, I've received $1400 in donations towards my tuition.  I've faced fear many times and, for the most part, acted in spite of it.  I've applied to quite a few jobs, as I'm looking for part-time employment.  Please keep me in your prayers as I look for doors of opportunity.  I have been finding that I have what I need when I need it.  And I've learned to become more thankful for the present, instead of worrying about the future.  Yay God.  :)

In closing, I would encourage you to venture out of your comfort zone.  Maybe put yourself in a place where you need God, or simply ask Him to make you hungry for more.  Then, let Him lead you.  Start with a single step.  Don't be afraid to fail.  God is bigger than any failure or sin.  He's not threatened by it.  He doesn't stop being good or loving you because of it.  Be brave.  Keep calm... and walk it out.  :)

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Worthy of a life poured out...

I wanna talk about transition and sacrifice.  This will not be a literary work of art: at least, it's not intended to be.  I just missed blogging and have been feeling this festering desire to write.  Read on if you will.  I hope it blesses you.  If it doesn't, please pray for me.  :)

I'm currently in one of the biggest transitions of my life.  In about a month's time, I'll be moving across the US to attend a school of ministry.  It has the potential to be a three-year life investment.  Unlike some people, I've never done anything like this before.  I've never been without the comfort of a family member in the same state.  And most people don't have a twin they leave behind either.  I guess most adults are totally comfortable leaving their family and starting a new life.  For me, it causes a flood of sadness to rush in unless I think about why I'm leaving.

For years, I've felt a pull, with really no clear direction to go in.  It was just this unsettling feeling that there has to be more - more to life, more to Jesus, and more to my life.  It produced an overall frustration with life and discontentment with where I was because I didn't know what to do.  I attended church regularly and heard good messages, but there was something inside me just stirring and aggravating.  I soon let it develop into bitterness (don't do that).  I would only get releases during times of witnessing (loving people without agenda) or talking to friends that had proven to be true safe places for me.  I've learned that I can't share truly deep heart processes with just anybody.

When I think about where I am now, 4 weeks away from the biggest move of my life at the ripe age of 30, I know that God is a Master Strategist.  I don't know this entirely from experience, but I have seen it in other people's lives and choose to believe I'll be blown away by what He'll do in mine. Don't get me wrong.  I've seen my share of awesome things by the hands of the Almighty.  He's pretty cool like that.  He wants witnesses so everyone can be told He's loving and good.  Good news spreads like wildfire.  And when people hear it, they can start to ask questions and become more open to the idea of a good God.  Too many think He's judgmental and unhappy with people in general.  But that's for another time, I suppose.  Man, I got side-tracked.  Anyway, He orchestrates lives more efficiently than Bach wrote symphonies.  He makes our lives sing because of the beauty He can bring forth from pain, nonsense, and tragedy.  As I transition onward, I know this pain and loss I feel will only be transformed into something great.

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For years at church, I've heard about sacrifices and offerings to the Lord.  It mostly was spoken of in terms of finances and submitting spiritual or natural gifts to serving the church body.  These things are good and true, but nothing has spoken to me of sacrifices as much as this current situation.  There are many people and relationships I've formed over these 30+ years that I hold very dear to me.  The majority of them are in-state connections.  I love these people and care about them deeply.  To think of leaving ALL of them rips my heart apart.  But it is here, in this place of a broken heart, that I know the Lord is near.  Frankly, He's always near.  But in these moments of utter sadness, I am reminded of and fueled by my own personal need to know this God who is transforming my heart and calling me out of my comfort zone. It reminds me of a verse in Psalm 34, "The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart (NKJ)..."  Do you guys know the story of the woman who broke the jar of costly perfume over Jesus?  It was said to be worth a year of wages in some accounts/translations.  People despised her for not doing something more important with that money, like giving it to the poor, for example (see account in Luke 7).  I don't know that I feel like the woman who did that, but I do feel like the jar that was broken for Him.

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If what He has put inside me can be purely poured out before Him and bring Him pleasure, I'm down for it.  The amazing thing is, I know He's pleased.  Just like I know my name.  I can offer Him my tears and my pain, because He's worthy of any sacrifice I could offer.  And not only because He's God, but because He loves me more than I can imagine or describe in English.

No one can make a sacrifice in your stead.  If you love someone or something, you make sacrifices for him, her or it.  You do it because the value you've given that person or thing is more costly than any inconvenience.

I would encourage anyone reading this to never devalue what you have to give or offer God.  He delights in your love, attention, and enjoyment of life among many other things.  If you're in a situation of extreme discomfort and/or sacrifice, take heart.  What you're offering the Lord is so valuable to Him, and it's changing you.  We're all destined to do great things because we are great people.  We are great because God is great and loves us.

Please pray for me and the world.  God is doing big things and they always start inside of small people.

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Re-Minded of our value

There’s been a lot of issues on my heart over the past few weeks that I wanted to write about but honestly didn’t know how to effectively offer a hopeful insight.  I’ve always had a knack for being self-aware to the point of recognizing dysfunction or weaknesses in myself, but not always smart enough to ask for help or to look up.  I am inclined to think that being able to recognize an unhealthy environment, whether internal or external, is less and less a common sense thing as it is a divine revelation. 

My sister is a social worker and like her, other healthcare professionals are trained to identify dysfunction and illness in others, for the purposes of diagnosis and treatment.  But I’m under the impression that the Lord identifies those areas He wants to deliver you from, and that freedom is a choice away.  For some it's an immediate deliverance.  For others, it's steps in a process.  Either way, He desires your freedom and will guide you to it.  He’s definitely not the One to show you your problem area, point and laugh, then walk away.  He’s never done that to me, anyway. 

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In Biblical times, before Jesus was born into the earth, the people of Israel would often disregard God until they found themselves in heaps of trouble.  Then they would cry out for help.  People do this today, but I think it’s because they don’t understand that God actually wants to have a relationship with them and is less concerned about their sin then the church has made them to believe.  For example, when Adam sinned and he and his wife at the forbidden fruit, God still came to hang out with him.  It was Adam that hid.  Did you get that?  God didn’t thug walk into the garden and describe Adam’s sin to a tee.  He just wanted Adam.  Colossians 1 says sin separated us, alienated us, IN OUR MINDS from God (verse 21 paraphrased).

He’s not here to condemn or point fingers.  This may be contrary to what you’ve been told.  But it’s actually His goodness towards us that makes us want to change or repent (Romans 2:4).  If God is exceedingly kind to me when I’m a jerk, there’s something in me that breaks because His love is true.

You know those fairy tales we all grew up on?  Do you remember those magical stories where Love’s Kiss could reverse a curse of death?  

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Those stories weren’t totally fictional in the sense that Love is the most powerful thing ever.  It’s what we truly desire.  It moves people to action.  Ever see a loving mother go to “war” for a child who’s hurt, injured, or in jeopardy of great peril? There are documented cases where a single woman has lifted a car to save her baby.  What about a father willing to do anything to save his son or daughter from harm?  There’s a fight that rises in us when what we love is compromised.  There’s a fight and passion in God that rises in Him too when He sees those He loves compromising themselves in a world fallen from the original garden of fellowship.

Did I lose you with the topic?  Yeah, me too...

What I have been seeing which has been extremely bothersome, is people undervaluing themselves, to the point of allowing abuse in relationships.  It mostly involves females being hurt, but there is a case of an older man being taken advantage of as well.  Aside from the one male exception, all of these ladies have remained with men that treat them like they’re accessories, not worthy of his commitment, money or attention.  Throw sex into the pot, and you have women who are essentially offering all of who they are to men who don’t value people correctly because of their own personal issues that contribute to a heaping mass of dysfunction.  The women are left feeling like there must be something wrong with them since the men don’t seem to want them or their feelings aren’t reciprocated by their lovely male counterparts.

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As a whole, our society has lost value for women.  Just take a look at the top box office movies, and you’ll find that women are shown as sexual figures, atop a sports car or merely a number in a ratio of 4 females to 1 male.  Pornography also promotes the idea that women are just objects of male pleasure.  There are so many horrific porn stats regarding number of views and websites that I don’t want to even post them.

It all starts at home.  What we accept as normal eventually filters out into what society accepts as normal (i.e. gay marriages).  I’m also not here to point out the sins of others, but to restore the sense of value to people who are groping in the dark for something that needs to be found in community as well as internally.  There isn’t a gender at fault.  Everyone has been damaged by something.  But the truth is that healing and restoration are available but replacing the value we've always had.

No matter how bad things look, there’s always a better perspective of lasting hope.  Hope is the expectation of seeing and experiencing God’s goodness.  And remember?  It’s His goodness that leads us to change (or changing our minds).

If you’re one of those people who knows someone in an ongoing emotionally abusive relationship, use caution.  People will sometimes reject the truth if their more comfortable with a lie.  Loving them well is one of the best things you can do.  Then if you’re loving them well without agenda, you can speak the truth in a way that builds them up, and doesn’t tear them down. Now, if someone’s life is in danger, that’s a different story.  Notify the proper authorities immediately.  This blog however, was not necessarily addressing physical abuse.

Restoring value and confidence in people is a deep work.  It’s one God is amazingly effective in performing.  It’s not something you can necessarily do on your own.  For me, it’s been a combination of God and the people that believed in me when I felt like nothing, that changed me.  Kris Vallotton from Bethel Church has an awesome podcast called Living from the Secret Place that touches on this well.  He said it was the people that believed in him, before he believed in Himself that invited him up into his destiny.  God has a way of orchestrating divine encounters to remind us over and over again who we are.  

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The truth is that nothing is impossible with God.  We just have to re-mind ourselves (as Kris V says) of what God has done for us.  If you can’t remember what He’s done for you, steal someone else’s testimony.  In Revelation, we’re told that the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.  This just means that what God does for one, He’ll do for another.  It’s an invitation into a divine experience with God.

My closing prayer:

Dear Lord, restore hope in our hearts.  ReMIND us that you are the God of Hope and that nothing is too hard for You.  Please show us individually the value you have for us.  Please show us the hope you have for us.  Fill us with your joy and peace that we may be able to impart fresh perspectives to those who feel lost. Please give us wisdom in our relationships and give us ears to hear truth and strength to walk in it.  Thank you for giving women their place in society back and restoring value to women and the family unit.  Let Your pure love woo a nation back to Your heart.  Help us to love well.  Amen. 

What will you leave behind?

This will be a sober one, guys.  I feel sobered, but also encouraged to action.  We will get drunk off His goodness later.  But for now, let's think about inheritance - not so much what you will inherit, but what your loved ones and the earth will inherit from you.  What will you leave behind when you die, or are taken up in a fiery chariot, or are no longer here cuz you dipped out like Enoch?

Recently, my great aunt passed away.  She lived on the west coast, but was laid to rest on the east coast today.  Her ashes were buried with her husband and son at the  "Gate of Heaven" cemetery in Maryland.  I could do a lot of things with that cemetery name, but that's not entirely the point right now.  Losing anyone, whether a family member, friend, or pet is challenging.  She and I weren't close, but her memorial service had my brain and heart on overdrive.

It caused me to start thinking about the impact I want to leave on the world.  I've thought about this before, but it was more intense today.  How will my family and friends remember me?  Would I have completed my assignment(s) and fulfilled my purposes from the Lord?  Am I currently living with an eternal purpose of continuing revival?  Am I aware that this life on earth is but a breath?

Generations of love to live. (Image via Pinterest)

Of course, when we're talking about death, I always believe the Lord can raise the dead.  Death is not the end, by any means.  It is just a gateway to another place.  But, I'm putting aside faith for resurrections to deeply consider the fruit of a life lived with Christ, full of love and purpose.  Did you love well?  Did I love well?  If we love well, like Christ does, fruit will form a mountain on our burial site.  This fruit won't look like the stuff we're used to eating from the produce section.  But it may look like a bountiful family, a successful business, an abounding non-profit organization, a sustained third-world family, city or nation.  The possibilities are endless.

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It will also look like a memorial in heaven.  In Acts 10, a story is told of Cornelius, a God-fearing man but not yet a believer, whose donations to the poor caused the Lord to remember him during his prayer to God.  Peter was sent to this man in response to His prayer, and His entire family had an encounter with the living God and became believers of Jesus.  Should we give to the poor?  Yes.  Will our giving look like this all of the time?  No.  My point is that we lay up for ourselves treasures in heaven when we have an eternal perspective, but it also affects this natural world we're living in, too.

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I'm not judging my aunt for what I saw she left behind.  There are many factors that play into family dynamics,dysfunction, etc.  I just started pondering what I want my family to walk in when I'm gone.  I would want my portion of what I added to their lives to help them continue in joy, with love, holding on to the Father's hand as they co-labor with Him to bring Heaven to Earth.  I want their relationships to be healthy, committed, and full of love.  I would want my grandchildren to know that they have a lineage of purpose, a destiny of hope, and the strength and courage to walk it out.

They'll be heroes.  (Image via Pinterest)

But all of these desires begin with how I live my life today.  My friend, Eve, thinks like Jesus in that she sees the end and works her way backwards.  She sees people for how they were created, the purposes they hold, and the value they have, then dismantles anything hindering that glorified image God shows her of them.  I never really knew how she did that.  Or how God did it.  But I'm beginning to understand.

I'm not telling you that there isn't grace for a days of rest or that you can't make mistakes daily.  I'm simply encouraging you to first, get an idea of what you want to leave behind as an inheritance to your family and the world.  Think about how you want to be remembered. Then ask the Lord to help you fulfill these things.

One of my favorite scriptures is Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you... to give you a future and a hope. You do have both a future and hope.  Think about the individual mark you wanna leave on the world.  Let the Lord tattoo it on your heart.  And start living it out today so that you have something to leave behind that makes the world better.

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Not an orphan

This entry comes out of a pure desire to be fathered, which I think is something instilled in every human being.  It isn’t only a desire, but an actual need.  There are qualities and confidences that only a father’s love can instill in the heart of a child, whether a son or daughter.  A father is looked upon for identity, protection and provision (The Father Ladder via SOZO teaching from Bethel Church).  These are basic needs then when left unmet, leaves room in a child’s life for dysfunction, fear, low self-esteem, etc.  Children learn what they live and deem what they experience as normal (http://psychcentral.com/lib/2012/daughters-need-fathers-too/).  This is often why cycles of abuse repeat themselves and why both men and women are attracted to characteristics in others that are consistent with their parents.  This is not my attempt at a psychology paper.  However, I do mean to emphasize that there is scientific study behind the foundational statements I am making.

For many people, some aspect of early family life was less than ideal.  If you grew up in a Christian household or if you didn’t, likely you experienced a parent or parents who did the best they knew how to do with what they had.  For many, it was simply a continual cycle that promoted fear or rejection.  Maybe some had different experiences, but I can only personally talk about what I have known and where I’m going from there.

My dad is a pretty good guy.  After my parents separated when I was about five years old, he stayed in contact.  We would visit him every other weekend and one weekday/night after school.  He attended sporting events and school functions, paid some child support, and did more than a lot of dads these days do.  I am grateful for him and what the Lord is doing in him.

Where he was lacking can’t even really be faulted to him, as I hear more and more about the kind of man his father was.  Both have/had problems in the emotional arena.  Expressing love, deep encouragement, supporting compliments and other emotional attributes were missing in my grandfather.  So aside from divine intervention, it was only left to be a continual cycle.  Regarding my identity and provision, those areas were challenging for him to fulfill as well.  If there are no classes to fathering, then there certainly are no classes for fathering twins.  Identity is important here (if not more so) when you have two individuals constantly being compared and judgments being made of the “good” and “bad” twin.   Everyone is going to have a favorite.  My sister and I had our turns at being liked more and less by various age groups in school.  The grass wasn’t rotting on my side of the yard.  The grass could be greener or more barren depending on the cases you compare.

Now we get to me.  Everyone is shaped in part by what they experience, aside from genetic make-up, Jesus stuff, etc.  I always wanted a father that would hold me, tell me how beautiful I was/am, tell me who I was, how bright my future looked, that I was his favorite, and on and on and on….  Who doesn’t want this?  Rhetorical questions.  You know you want it.

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I had a stepfather, too.  He was in my life for over 20 years.  After he and my mom separated, I have no relationship with him, not because I’m angry, but because we didn’t really have anything more than a roommate status.  His father didn’t know how to be a loving dad either.  So for me, this only adds fuel to the “I want a father” fire.

Now that I’m a young adult, male interaction can be tough.  I see myself (and other ladies) vying for male attention today that we didn’t get as kids.  Once we get that masculine eye or feeling of importance flung onto us by dudes, we’re left wanting more, because really we were made that way.  I have to really be accountable to close friends because my heart will go places in the desire for that attention that can be unhealthy.  I’m not referring to a place of sexual looseness, but a place of emotional vulnerability that this new guy hasn’t paid the price to have.

Cue Jesus entering my life in my college years, I now have access to a loving Father in God.  This is great.  I know more and more that these desires I always had and still have are not a result of my mental instability.  I have had spiritual encounters where I interact with the Father, Holy Spirit or Jesus, or all Three, and lies about who I am, how He provides for me, and/or how He protects me are all revealed and dissolved by the Truth He reveals in those moments.  These are all needs I mentioned at the beginning.  This is often where the lies crept into my heart.  Then He unveils my Truth: 

I am significant.  I do have a unique purpose.  I am loved.  My Father protects me well.  He loves me well.  He provides heartily for me.  It’s His joy to give Himself to me.

While the Lord is making efforts to restore this heart health to me with Truth, there is a still a need and desire in my heart for a father I can touch and have a different kind of relationship with.  There’s a scripture in Malachi that promises, “And he (God) shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers...”  I believe we’re in that time where real fathering and discipleship will begin in the church (for some, it’s already begun).  A pastor of a megachurch cannot father all of those sheep.  It is physically impossible.

Within the past year, I was experiencing a time of distress.  I felt like I didn’t belong.  I wasn’t sure I was in the right place spiritually or even at the right church.  It was a time of feeling lost and unsure.  My awesomely apostolic and prophetic friend, Eve Hemby, texted me something that broke me:   “Staci, you are not an orphan.”  Tears flowed out of me immediately after reading it.  She uncovered what I was feeling but couldn’t’ find the words to describe.  I felt like an orphan.  There are spiritual and natural components that led to this experience.  (For more understanding of the orphan spirit I recommend the book Healing the Orphan Spirit by Lief Hetland.)

That time of feeling like an orphan probably stemmed from years prior.  Is this to say my pastor was faulty in some way?  Heck no.  Does it reveal to me a different kind of fathering needed?  Yes.  Some churches are small enough to facilitate a closer, more intimate level of accountability and mentoring.  If you attend a larger church, this can be more difficult.  I’m not saying you should join or leave a church based on the needs you feel you have that aren’t being met, or if the kind of fathering you desire isn’t presently available.  I’m merely saying you should present this need and desire to the Lord and allow Him to meet it as He sees fit.  I believe we’re headed toward/into a time where men in the churches will be given the Father’s heart to nurture and care for sheep within his realm of influence.  This role will NOT replace God, or the pastor, or any of the five-fold ministry gifts.  Your relationships with God and your pastor are just as important as they ever were.  But personally, I still have a need to be fathered.  I still have a desire to be called a “daughter.”

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My last snippet is of an account I had in Ohio with a loving man named Chris in 2011.  My friends and I traveled from Maryland to a conference being held at a friend’s church.   It was The Hem of His Garment Healing Conference being run by a team from Bethel Church from Redding, California.  There was a group of maybe 12-15 of us staying in various families homes free of charge.  Everyone was so hospitable and loving.  I had the honor of staying at the Borghese household.  The family that was home during our stay was made up of a father, mother, son and daughter.   The conference was amazing and I learned so much.  I refer back to my notes from those epic teachings quite often.  On the last day of our stay with the Borghese family, we had a time of prayer and impartation with the parents of the house.  We wanted to bless them for blessing us with their home and kindness.  We expressed to them what the Lord was impressing upon us to share and just enjoyed being with them.  Towards the end of this impartation time, I felt led to ask them to pray for my family.  In my asking and their responding, a bond formed in my heart with Chris, the father.  I cried from a place I didn’t know I had.  It wasn’t sadness really.  I think it was a place of crying out to God that I’m pretty sure was more what He was feeling in His heart that He just put on me.  God loves my family.  J

As we were leaving, Chris hugged me and said he would be my father.  Something in my heart shifted.  It was like I was a car and just had an alignment.  The acceptance and love that poured over me and into me was immense and really hard to describe.  It was MORE intense than being desired by the opposite sex and that resulting feeling of being worth more than a million dollars.  I felt like a missing puzzle piece that had finally found a place.  It was totally epic.  And it was one of the best feelings I have EVER felt.

Today, Chris and I remain in contact, though it’s difficult for him to maintain the father-like role we both imagined living states away.  I feel his love often via Facebook.  His encouragement and love towards me are priceless.

If you can relate to any part of this blog entry, please know that you’re not crazy and that there is hope.  The Lord is answering your heart’s cry for what it is you both need and desire.  His ways are utterly genius in how He meets us.  If you desire a fathering relationship, ask the Lord more about it.  There are great men of God out there than can and will love purely, like a good father.  Ask the Holy Spirit to guard your heart in the sense that the longings you feel may be from God, but the way you might try to have them fulfilled might be harmful.  Be accountable to the trusted ones close to you.  Remember, the hearts of the fathers are being turned towards the sons.  If you heart is turning towards the Father and His ways of fathering you, that simply means you’re a son or daughter… NOT an orphan.

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