This entry comes out of a pure desire to be fathered, which
I think is something instilled in every human being. It isn’t only a desire, but an actual
need. There are qualities and
confidences that only a father’s love can instill in the heart of a child,
whether a son or daughter. A father is
looked upon for identity, protection and provision (The Father Ladder via SOZO
teaching from Bethel Church). These are
basic needs then when left unmet, leaves room in a child’s life for
dysfunction, fear, low self-esteem, etc.
Children learn what they live and deem what they experience as normal (http://psychcentral.com/lib/2012/daughters-need-fathers-too/). This is often why cycles of abuse repeat
themselves and why both men and women are attracted to characteristics in
others that are consistent with their parents.
This is not my attempt at a psychology paper. However, I do mean to emphasize that there is
scientific study behind the foundational statements I am making.
For many people, some aspect of early family life was less
than ideal. If you grew up in a
Christian household or if you didn’t, likely you experienced a parent or
parents who did the best they knew how to do with what they had. For many, it was simply a continual cycle that
promoted fear or rejection. Maybe some
had different experiences, but I can only personally talk about what I have
known and where I’m going from there.
My dad is a pretty good guy.
After my parents separated when I was about five years old, he stayed in
contact. We would visit him every other
weekend and one weekday/night after school.
He attended sporting events and school functions, paid some child
support, and did more than a lot of dads these days do. I am grateful for him and what the Lord is
doing in him.
Where he was lacking can’t even really be faulted to him, as
I hear more and more about the kind of man his father was. Both have/had problems in the emotional
arena. Expressing love, deep
encouragement, supporting compliments and other emotional attributes were
missing in my grandfather. So aside from
divine intervention, it was only left to be a continual cycle. Regarding my identity and provision, those
areas were challenging for him to fulfill as well. If there are no classes to fathering, then
there certainly are no classes for fathering twins. Identity is important here (if not more so)
when you have two individuals constantly being compared and judgments being
made of the “good” and “bad” twin.
Everyone is going to have a favorite.
My sister and I had our turns at being liked more and less by various
age groups in school. The grass wasn’t
rotting on my side of the yard. The
grass could be greener or more barren depending on the cases you compare.
Now we get to me.
Everyone is shaped in part by what they experience, aside from genetic
make-up, Jesus stuff, etc. I always
wanted a father that would hold me, tell me how beautiful I was/am, tell me who
I was, how bright my future looked, that I was his favorite, and on and on and
on…. Who doesn’t want this? Rhetorical questions. You know you want it.
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I had a stepfather, too.
He was in my life for over 20 years.
After he and my mom separated, I have no relationship with him, not
because I’m angry, but because we didn’t really have anything more than a
roommate status. His father didn’t know
how to be a loving dad either. So for me,
this only adds fuel to the “I want a father” fire.
Now that I’m a young adult, male interaction can be
tough. I see myself (and other ladies)
vying for male attention today that we didn’t get as kids. Once we get that masculine eye or feeling of
importance flung onto us by dudes, we’re left wanting more, because really we
were made that way. I have to really be
accountable to close friends because my heart will go places in the desire for
that attention that can be unhealthy. I’m
not referring to a place of sexual looseness, but a place of emotional vulnerability
that this new guy hasn’t paid the price to have.
Cue Jesus entering my life in my college years, I now have
access to a loving Father in God. This
is great. I know more and more that
these desires I always had and still have are not a result of my mental
instability. I have had spiritual
encounters where I interact with the Father, Holy Spirit or Jesus, or all
Three, and lies about who I am, how He provides for me, and/or how He protects
me are all revealed and dissolved by the Truth He reveals in those
moments. These are all needs I mentioned
at the beginning. This is often where
the lies crept into my heart. Then He
unveils my Truth:
I am significant. I do have a
unique purpose. I am loved. My Father protects me well. He loves me well. He provides heartily for me. It’s His joy to give Himself to me.
While the Lord is making efforts to restore this heart health
to me with Truth, there is a still a need and desire in my heart for a father I
can touch and have a different kind of relationship with. There’s a scripture in Malachi that promises,
“And he (God) shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the
heart of the children to their fathers...”
I believe we’re in that time where real fathering and discipleship will
begin in the church (for some, it’s already begun). A pastor of a megachurch cannot father all of
those sheep. It is physically
impossible.
Within the past year, I was experiencing a time of
distress. I felt like I didn’t
belong. I wasn’t sure I was in the right
place spiritually or even at the right church.
It was a time of feeling lost and unsure. My awesomely apostolic and prophetic friend,
Eve Hemby, texted me something that broke me:
“Staci, you are not an orphan.” Tears
flowed out of me immediately after reading it.
She uncovered what I was feeling but couldn’t’ find the words to
describe. I felt like an orphan. There are spiritual and natural components
that led to this experience. (For more
understanding of the orphan spirit I recommend the book Healing the Orphan
Spirit by Lief Hetland.)
That time of feeling like an orphan probably stemmed from
years prior. Is this to say my pastor
was faulty in some way? Heck no. Does it reveal to me a different kind of
fathering needed? Yes. Some churches are small enough to facilitate
a closer, more intimate level of accountability and mentoring. If you attend a larger church, this can be
more difficult. I’m not saying you
should join or leave a church based on the needs you feel you have that aren’t
being met, or if the kind of fathering you desire isn’t presently
available. I’m merely saying you should
present this need and desire to the Lord and allow Him to meet it as He sees
fit. I believe we’re headed toward/into
a time where men in the churches will be given the Father’s heart to nurture
and care for sheep within his realm of influence. This role will NOT replace God, or the
pastor, or any of the five-fold ministry gifts.
Your relationships with God and your pastor are just as important as
they ever were. But personally, I still
have a need to be fathered. I still have
a desire to be called a “daughter.”
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My last snippet is of an account I had in Ohio with a loving
man named Chris in 2011. My friends and I
traveled from Maryland to a conference being held at a friend’s church. It was The Hem of His Garment Healing
Conference being run by a team from Bethel Church from Redding, California. There was a group of maybe 12-15 of us
staying in various families homes free of charge. Everyone was so hospitable and loving. I had the honor of staying at the Borghese
household. The family that was home
during our stay was made up of a father, mother, son and daughter. The conference was amazing and I learned so
much. I refer back to my notes from
those epic teachings quite often. On the
last day of our stay with the Borghese family, we had a time of prayer and
impartation with the parents of the house.
We wanted to bless them for blessing us with their home and
kindness. We expressed to them what the
Lord was impressing upon us to share and just enjoyed being with them. Towards the end of this impartation time, I
felt led to ask them to pray for my family.
In my asking and their responding, a bond formed in my heart with Chris,
the father. I cried from a place I didn’t
know I had. It wasn’t sadness
really. I think it was a place of crying
out to God that I’m pretty sure was more what He was feeling in His heart that
He just put on me. God loves my
family. J
As we were leaving, Chris hugged me and said he would be my father. Something in my heart shifted. It was like I was a car and just had an alignment. The acceptance and love that poured over me and into me was immense and really hard to describe. It was MORE intense than being desired by the opposite sex and that resulting feeling of being worth more than a million dollars. I felt like a missing puzzle piece that had finally found a place. It was totally epic. And it was one of the best feelings I have EVER felt.
Today, Chris and I remain in contact, though it’s difficult
for him to maintain the father-like role we both imagined living states
away. I feel his love often via
Facebook. His encouragement and love
towards me are priceless.
If you can relate to any part of this blog entry, please
know that you’re not crazy and that there is hope. The Lord is answering your heart’s cry for
what it is you both need and desire. His
ways are utterly genius in how He meets us.
If you desire a fathering relationship, ask the Lord more about it. There are great men of God out there than can
and will love purely, like a good father.
Ask the Holy Spirit to guard your heart in the sense that the longings
you feel may be from God, but the way you might try to have them fulfilled
might be harmful. Be accountable to the
trusted ones close to you. Remember, the
hearts of the fathers are being turned towards the sons. If you heart is turning towards the Father
and His ways of fathering you, that simply means you’re a son or daughter… NOT
an orphan.
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