If you want to be a "good" Christian, don't be like me...

I was the first in my immediate family to go full force into the charismatic Christian life.  After what seemed to be an intentional pull for my heart and soul in college, I gave myself to Jesus around the age of 20.  As you might imagine, a lot of my thinking and behavior were not exactly representative of Jesus the Christ.  I cussed like a sailor and was out to prove to the world how amazing I was, in the most sheltered way possible.  I had a lot of growing and experiencing to do.  Nonetheless, I was hungry for Jesus and the Bible, and eventually church events.  I would read the Bible for hours on end, not understanding it as much as I would have liked, but searching for the Jesus that I had come to desire wholeheartedly.

Throughout the years, my mom and sister have begun their own personal God journey.  But I can still hear my mom say to me (regarding something I either did, said, or took pleasure in), "That's not the 'Christian' thing to do."   In the instance I'm remembering, she was referring to my love for the movie, Kill Bill, which in essence is a story of woman's revenge, containing an intense level of violence in it for her liking.  I think it's ironic when people say that because who really knows what the Christian thing to do is unless you're in relationship with the Christ.  There's the generic knowledge of good and evil that can be seen in our American laws (i.e. "Murder, stealing.. BAD," *in the caveman grunt*)  Another funny thing, I never claimed to have my life together to the point of being a "good Christian."  I'm out here trying to do the best I can while holding on to the hope that I have in Jesus to use my life for good.  I've made A LOT of mistakes on my own and others under the guidance of church leaders with good intentions.  I think we ALL have been hurt by someone with good intentions, as if mere intentions can determine actual effects (a naive concept).  The more I think about it and consider my faults, the more I know that Jesus is good and that I need him.

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This past week, there have been two deaths to affect me and those in my close circle of friends.  It spawned a conversation between us, which then sparked a kind of revelation regarding the Christian culture that I've come to know and hate.  I was a part of a word of faith church for 10 years before making the decision to leave.  In that time, I was also exposed to various teaching via podcasts and itinerant speakers that would visit local (and sometimes not so local) churches.  It was during this discussion with my friends that I started speedily reflecting upon the mental libraries holding journals of notes from church sermons I'd collected over the years (it was like that part of my life was flashing before my eyes).  I realized that I have yet to remember anyone speak on loving people through conditions that clash with their own faith.  I've deduced  that people are so focused on not losing faith that they can't find peace in their uncertainty.  I know this for a fact because it described me not so long ago.

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Many years ago I had a Christian friend who confided in me that she was diagnosed with breast cancer and was about to undergo medical treatment.  I was still a few years into my faith and this news really shook me.  Looking back, I realize that my theology could not both support myself and her sickness.  I believed in a loving God that could heal the sick and raise the dead.  And she was a Christian leader, liturgical dancer and loving woman who was active in our church.  How could this happen and why wasn't she healed yet?  It was at that point that I felt myself pull away from the friendship.  I simply didn't know how to love her despite her condition and past my own doubts in God.  It was easier to be distant and hold on to what I thought I knew than confront the mysteries of life and my own fears.  This lovely woman actually died a few years ago.  Since my mistake of pulling away, we had reconnected during her battle with cancer.  She was a private person and had some amazing victories in her fight.  We never regained the intimacy we once had in our friendship and I take responsibility for that now.  I have talked to her in my prayers, knowing she's in heaven.  I apologized for my ignorance and for not letting my love for her overwhelm my fear of the situation.

In the past few years, I have heard a few pastors and Christian leaders value relationship with people despite sin or life messiness.  I don't think it's generally taught how to love people when facing fear, disagreement, doubt and/or death.  There's an in between stage that we've been told to push through with faith.  It resembles denying what we're experiencing to find the promise that Jesus left us.  Could this denial simply be done to pacify our faith so that we're not challenged to the point of not having answers?  Is it because not having answers gives us the unwanted opportunity to trust in God's nature to the point of discomfort?  Being a Christian, doesn't mean having answers to all the hard questions.  It means having a relationship with Jesus in all circumstances and conditions.

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I feel quite hypocritical typing that last statement.  I've had my own faith-shaking time myself where I've battled feeling far from God, thoughts that He's disappointed with me and my life, etc. But even in this dark time in my soul amidst my own uncertainties, God has been faithful to me to send people to love me and reveal His nature continually.

Life is guaranteed to present us with many opportunities to face our fears about ourselves and each other.  It also will provide us with the challenge to be courageous with our love and to hold on to our faith and  in the midst of uncertainty, resting in the comfort that Jesus is faithful anyway, even when we don't know how.


If you want to be a good Christian, know that it's not your perfection that makes you look like Jesus... It's His.  He is perfectly good and loves all the time, even in spite of the mess.

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Process and silence - I still have a voice.

Lately I've been feeling a bit unsure.  Life's journey has taken me down a path that continues to be unfamiliar in many ways.  While geographically, I'm surrounded by familiarity living in my hometown working at my usual job, it's the unseen area of heart, mind and spirit that eludes me. (Warning, beware the rabbit trails...)

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Coming from a ministry school that did community and relationships well, to having no real church home has been quite traumatic to me.  It takes time to build lasting relationships and find your niche in a structure as layered as a church.  It's just a bit weird.  The idea of church is a lot simpler than the natural logistics.  You think you're coming to a local community of believers to worship and celebrate Jesus, and you do that, quite efficiently.  But it's the "doing life" with people that I want.  It's the 'loving God and letting him love you through the highs and lows of life' that I'm missing and longing for.  Losing that spiritual edification that I had almost daily with school and my awesome roommates has left me quite insecure and unsure of who I am.  I feel called to write blogs and books for purposes not too clear to me at the moment, but who would want to read them?  What influence do I have now?  What qualifications do I really possess?  I even have had this vision of me teaching and sharing my story with thousands.  Who would listen?  Who would buy a ticket to that show?

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Father's Day just passed and it left me both sad and angry, among other things.  Life on Facebook can be quite picture perfect.  Only God and the hypocrites know what life is really like.  So many seem to have fathers worthy of pride and honor.  They love well and provide for their families, which is absolutely awesome.  A healthy family structure is what everyone in this word needs (at least that's what I believe).  But I just found myself jealous and angry.  My heart has desired a natural father and a spiritual one (who's personal and NOT distant) for many years.  My biological dad is still alive, but not super present in my life emotionally or otherwise.  My stepdad of close to 20 years left and is remarried now.  And my "spiritual dad" let me go without a fight.  Talk about Daddy wounds.  I'll raise my hand first for prayer for that altar call.

Another hump in the road has been my attempt to bring meaning to my work/professional life.  I never saw myself in the veterinary field long-term, but it is where I've stayed.  Yet another familiar place.  Sometimes the familiar is so welcoming when the unknown is so vast and expansive.  I understand why the men long ago thought the Earth was flat.  The world seems to drops off at the end of what you know.  Anyway (back from the rabbit trail), I have been making small attempts at aligning my passions, desires, interests, and personality traits to find a career that suits me best, but the hope-ometer is dancing on low there, too.  Leave it to me to get burned by a "helping professional."  Guess it would be important to figure out the lie I'm believing in this area of my life.  There's a quote stated in the Bethel community often which rings in my ears as I type this - "Whatever area of your life isn't glistening with hope is under the influence of a lie."  Jesus, help me.

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So as I sit here punishing my English Breakfast tea and Cadbury Dairy Milk, I find myself in need of hope. Tastes of nostalgia cause me to fondly remember the past.  But it's the future I need hope for.  I don't want that time in Redding to be the highlight of my life.  It has been a reference point for me of how a church community can be and has provided a real-life model for small groups and relationship-building.  Angela, my revival group pastor, did initially tell me that BSSM facilitates a greenhouse effect, in the sense that the environment is set for quick growth.  It allows for just the right amount of fellowship, edification, truth, direction, instruction, and freedom for people to find their identities and move forward in life, and potentially ministry.  Upon reflection, I wish I would have focused on ways to maintain what I learned to triumph in this season.  We did read a book by Bill Johnson called "Strengthening Yourself in the Lord" towards the end of the school year which delved into the truth of seasons in life where you and Jesus are your only sources of encouraging yourself along the way.  I'm not meaning to throw myself a massive pity party.  I do have friends and family to support me, just not to the degree or in the same way as before.  To be honest, my relationship with the Lord has taken a backseat during this transition that appears to be lasting longer than expected.  It's amazing how you can let go of dreams and visions you had for your life when hope and community fade away.  I think that's why Paul told us not to forsake the gathering of the saints.  Not so that every church would receive tithes (though tithing is Biblical), but that the people (the actual church) would be edified.

Now I've been through enough to know I'm not a victim and there are things I can do to change my situation, if nothing more than to adjust my attitude.  It becomes challenging though when you lack motivation to do so and the lie that "nothing will change or get better so why do anything?" seems so relevant.

I guess my point in all this is to simply be vulnerable, express the need that I (and many others) have for community to continue along with hope in their own journey.  I find that when I'm feeling discouraged and overwhelmed with my own life, helping or encouraging someone else takes my focus off the negative and brings the light of life to another human being.  Someone will always have it worse. That doesn't make your pain or process less valid; it just helps to bring a different perspective.  I have a sweet friend and coworker who was recently diagnosed with lymphoma.  What she's dealing with now is something that I hope I never have to take on myself.  But she is a fighter and surrounded by many people who love her.  In fact, I believe in a Jesus who could heal her instantly or over time and through Western medicine (however He chooses to do so).  Viewing my own life and difficulties in light of her current battle with cancer makes my troubles seem like candy rain on a happy parade.

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(The wrap up...)
I can give you take-aways on what to do to increase your hope level during discouraging times. Those are necessary.  But I think it's also important to know that we all go through times of discouragement.  Jesus is not unaware of our challenges.  He seems to know just when and where to send His love in an obvious way to remind you that you're not in this alone, that He is for you, and that He cares for you quite personally.  So instead of a hope-based quote, I think I'll just type a prayer for you to read to yourself internally or out loud.  Scream it from the rooftops if you want.  Your voice is significant and doesn't lose it's value during seasons of process and silence.  Just remember, when you start speaking up again, you are loved.


"Dear Lord Jesus, please fill me with your grace and mercy today.  Please remind me of Your love and purposes for me.  God of hope, fill me with hope today, even in what some would call "hopeless" situations.  Holy Spirit I welcome you to come close and give me a new perspective. Please help me to hold on to the truths that You are good and You always care for me.  You make my story beautiful.  Help me steward my life in a way that brings You glory.  Thank You for your eternal pursuit of me.  You rock."

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Dealing with my Ugly

I haven’t written much in a while.  To be honest, I’ve been a bit unsure as to how to publicly reveal my process and thought it might be a bit “too much” for people.  This morning, I think I found the language I needed.  Or maybe my internal processing has finally reached the “reveal” stage.

This morning as I laid in bed, I decided to scroll through my gallery of pictures in my phone.  I felt drawn to the ones taken when I was living in Redding, California.  Personally, I occasionally need a picture, journal entry or something seemingly insignificant to spark a memory or awaken my true identity.  There are so many voices trying to tell us who we are whether in the media, social media, our past, current problems, broken relationships, or perceived failures, and the list continues. In this stage of my life, I find myself having to internally battle for what I thought I won in personal, spiritual growth over the past year.  The truths that were established in me are rising to meet the naysayers, but not without me having to confront what I believe about myself, my journey, and my current surroundings.

View from Hilltop. Redding, CA

 I knew I’d return to Maryland this past summer.  My beloved twin sister was getting married and I had reached the end of my funds.  I would at least have to work for the summer before returning to BSSM, that is, if I was returning. I didn’t think I’d be able to make it through first year most of the time.  So why not try for second year… maybe?  I had this expectation that things would fall into place after graduating first year and that I would just have more of a knowing about my future regarding second year and in general.  This has NOT been my experience… and thus enters my old enemy/friend, Disappointment.

As the school year was drawing to a close, there was this “harmless,” persistent question among classmates and the Bethel staff that plagued me and targeted my uncertainty:  “Are you gonna do 2nd year?”  My answer had become, “No.  I’m gonna go back home.”  But it wasn’t my response because I didn’t want to return to BSSM.  It was here that I first experienced what it was like to live a dream that I carried in my heart for years.  It was here that I lived so many highs and lows, that while it wasn’t comfortable, I knew I was alive. Nobody had to tell me to be thankful.  It bubbled out of me daily to God in prayer.  This was an opportunity of a lifetime.  I knew it and I made it a point to treasure every day.  There were a lot of factors that played into my answer to return to Maryland long-term.  I was able to attend school this past year because of the generosity of many people who donated finances towards my tuition and living expenses.  It felt irresponsible for me to commit to second year and, in a sense, “tax” the people who made this possible.  I also wanted to find out for myself if this stuff really worked, meaning could I live a victorious life with Jesus from all that I gained from intense teaching at this amazing school.  Now I realize, it does work. The question is if I can hold onto who I am and what I believe while living apart from my Bethel community.

View from the Civic Center - Redding, CA

Bethel Church - Redding, CA

Now, I can’t explain it to the super rational mind.  There was something in me that felt freed from Maryland and my old life once I left for California.  I knew I felt like I was trapped before, but the thought of coming back and being “stuck” again mildly tormented me.  Please understand, I love my family, boyfriend, and coworkers.  I’m still trying to pinpoint the root of this feeling. Regardless of the root cause however, Maryland is my home again, some friends have already started second year, and my journey has been quite ugly and raw to the average “Christian.”

I come from a “Word of Faith” background where people are encouraged to speak faith-filled words about their lives, process, God, etc.  I don’t think this is bad. In fact,it’s where I came from.  But to deny your current truth for the sake of appearances is not how I operate.  How can I welcome encouragement and help honestly without telling you what I’m experiencing, even if it’s negative?  I think this mindset of speaking faith began with God, but has since gotten a bit twisted with the lies that sin is big, evil, and dirty; that God can’t deal with my sin; and if I’m holy, I can’t look upon your ugly without being tainted.”  It’s bogus really and fear-based.  God isn’t surprised by my “ugly.”  He even invites confrontation with Himself because He desires pure relationship.  It’s in healthy confrontation where an exchange of truth can occur and a new normal can be created.  Show me an honest, intimate relationship whether among family members, close friends, or a husband and wife, and I can guarantee you that it’s not always pretty.  Actually, it can be quite messy.  But that’s okay.  When your goal in relationship is connection, you’ll be committed to work through mess.

Three of my housemates at the Sundial Bridge

My amazing small group during first year. They make me brave.

For months now, I’ve danced with the thought that I failed and was being punished. Social media can be a blessing and a curse.  Many of my classmates were returning and telling all of Facebook the euphoria they felt as they started their second year journey.  I had to take a hiatus from it so that I wouldn’t boil over with jealousy.  After all,I had my time and lived my dream for 8 months, right?  I had experienced what it was like to be a part of a culture that embraced the truth that God is a good Father, extremely personal, and desires freedom for me in every way imaginable.  What more could I ask for?  If I had done well and God was pleased with me, why am I back here?  Why do I feel so out of place and that I simply can’t go back to the “way things used to be” at my old church?  Weird huh?  I go to a Christian Revival School and feel most out of place at church.

Taken inappropriately during class at BSSM :)

It’s ironically quite easy to slip into old mindsets when you get into old environments if you allow yourself to forget who you are.  I used to think back on the times in Redding, with my lovely housemates and classmates and feel deep sadness and regret.  Now, I’ve graduated to actually trying to put to use what I’ve learned, pick my head up, and move forward.  Some days are harder than others and I don’t really know what it’s going to look like to “move forward.”

Declarations by Seth Dahl for Children's Church at Bethel 

I am most encouraged during these challenging times by the extreme goodness of God’s nature.  Despite the pain and rejection I may have felt/feel from churches or Christians in my past or present, I am still drawn to this eternally kind Jesus.  I don’t go to church for the sake of church.  I go because I need fellowship with believers who aren’t afraid of my mess.  It’s true Jesus died for all of my sin (and everyone else’s), but there is a heavenly mindset He also came to give us.  It’s a mindset where all things are possible because I believe that He’s good, and that I can love someone abundantly because He’s loved me completely.

Don’t worry about me, though, guys.  Even if I’ve failed in the eyes of some, I’m approaching my days with a better attitude.  Remember, you’re nobody’s victim.  Unless of course, you’re the victim of Poppa’s amazing love.  People are gonna get it wrong sometimes.  Everyone does at some point and needs to be loved through their mess.  If sin scares you, your god is too small. 

Check out 1 John 4:18.  Perfect love drives out fear.  Fear has torment.  Be made perfect (whole entire) by being loved by a good Father who knows what He's doing (even if you don't).

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The Bridesmaids and Bride of the Blair Wedding in Maryland

My "friend" Transition...

I've always been one that has needed extended time adjusting to big transitions.  I thought this was just something that came about in my adult life, but after talking to my mom recently, I learned that even as a child I didn't do well with change.

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Usually when God is preparing me for something big, I usually (but not always) get at least a 6-month adjustment period to merely become okay with the idea.  [Yeah, I get babied in some areas, but He knows what we all need.]  The preparation needed for me to move out to Redding, California took a few years.  It took my a couple years to work myself up enough to apply to BSSM.  Then the drama of finally applying, getting accepted, then planning to move across the country.  Don't get me wrong, I was totally excited and splurged on cupcakes during my church's yearly fast (shhhh.... don't tell).  But then came the HOW and WHAT IF questions.  I'm sure we all have experienced those at some point in our lives.  I admittedly had a few anxiety attacks, but was totally blessed to have friends and family to calm me down with words or affection during those moments (thanks guys).

So, as I write, I'm adjusting to my most recent transition of moving back to the east coast and processing the past 8-9 months of my transformational adventure in CA.  Transition is a constant enemy (err... uhhh... friend) to us all.  I'm trying to make him a friend and shorten my adjustment period to his interruptions in my type-A, loving-to-plan-my-life personality.  I know for me, it relates to my need to feel in control, even if it's just an illusion. Event the most mature person can only control himself/herself.  But if you really think about it, that is power.  It's power to choose my attitude, how I love others, if I love others, and make decisions.  I am powerful, though I'm not in total control of my world.

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It's been lovely to be back with family, friends, and coworkers.  People we love are meant to be irreplaceable.  I was able to return to my previous job and begin working quite quickly.  However, Carmax was blessed with my beloved Nissan Cube before I left for Cali, so upon my return to MD, I was super dependent on others for transportation, even to go to work.  Ironic, eh?  Little Miss Control Freak needs others to leave the house, work and have a social life.  It's all good.  People were super kind and generous in my state of being "transportationally" challenged. I truly know the best people on earth.

Though I have returned to many people I love and missed, it's still been difficult adjusting.  My  journey at Bethel and the amazing people I got to do life with composed a dream of mine that was finally realized.  I learned that I wasn't crazy, and that the desires, dreams, and relationships in my heart were possible.  It had incredibly high points with equally scary low points.  I learned so much about my personal identity and about the nature of God.  I know the way it happened was just what I needed, even though it wasn't what I expected.  Sometimes wrong expectations can lead to the greatest disappointments.  In those moments, I learned from a good friend (my British roommate, Anna <3) to hold on to the truth that God is good and kind.  It built a rock in me.  That is where I go when I know nothing else.  It's what I hold onto when nothing makes sense or everything seems contrary to the incredibly good nature of God.

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One of the other things I cling to during these uncertain times of transition is the truth taught by senior leader of Bethel Church and BSSM, Bill Johnson, is that God prepares us for where we're going.  You have all you need right now for what you're facing.  He often speaks to us about where we're going or what we'll face, even if we're unaware at the time of His counsel.  Maybe the answer isn't in what He said to you, but it's in the people He's placed around you.  There are so many avenues from which our answers come.  I've learned that sometimes my answer isn't what I expected.  It may come in the revelation or confirmation of His good nature.  The danger comes when we're tempted to believe that we're helpless or stuck.

So if your life is being interrupted by Transition currently, I would encourage you to make him your friend.  Instead of dragging your feet in fear of the adjustment being required of you, consider embracing him with the thought that something really good is about to happen. Don't shut out the people that love you. My really good friend, Kasey, who isn't a believer, really encouraged me the other day by asking me if I really thought God viewed me negatively.  It was one of those vulnerable talks that I love having because I need authenticity. I am blessed to have some really safe, loving people around me and who don't often agree with me theologically. This goes against the core values of quite a few Christians who only have Christian friends.  I would dare say, you're cutting yourself off from some amazing relationships.  Use your own judgment.  Ask Holy Spirit.  I'm nobody's god.  I just try my best to represent Him well.  "Sinners" loved Jesus.  It was the religious leaders of his time that were most offended by Him.

There were multiple rabbit trails in that last paragraph that I won't apologize for.  Remember, where you are right now is full of possibility.  Your Answer is close by.  You can control yourself and that's real power.  Decide what you're going to do... and don't forget to love well.

 

I write, therefore I AM

I've always enjoyed writing.  Even as a child, the concept of creating my own elaborate reality intrigued me. When I was about 8 years old and in third grade, I remember participating in a Write-a-Book contest that my school held annually or biannually (hey, I can’t remember everything).  I had such high hopes and thoroughly enjoyed the process of creating, writing, illustrating, and even binding my own book.  It felt professionally adult-like and I loved it.

 As you can imagine, the story produced by that of an eager 8-year-old isn't entirely life-changing.  My desire to tell an epic story was intensely ambitious, and my resulting story left me quite disappointed.  I think I was a relatively mature child, with a mind beyond my earthly years.  I think, at some level, I knew there was much more possible in an unlimited imagination that I couldn't seem to fathom or verbalize.  I creatively set the bar high at a young age.  I started a romance with poetry around the age of eleven.  I reached a new level of stardom at age thirteen when I wrote a poem for my mom and my soon-to-be step dad that was read at their wedding.   Obviously, this was a low level of influence, and my mom has always been uber supportive of my creative endeavors.  Still, she helped fan the flame of my verbally expressive heart and mind.

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Clearly, a lot has changed since childhood and my early adolescence, but my creative literary love remained.  I matriculated through high school taking standard English classes, until an honors class as a senior.  Then in college, I took some required English courses.  My vocabulary increased and I had the benefit of a dysfunctional first love relationship to take my poetry to a whole new level.  There’s nothing that inspires a writer’s pen like heartache.  While it was a painful experience, it elevated my emotional vocabulary and capacity to empathize.  Check out that silver lining, baby.

Within the last week of beginning this blog post, I encountered a tragic yet inspirational blog by an author and songwriter in the Christian world by the name of Christa Black.  Her baby came early during the pregnancy and only lived outside of the womb for 40 minutes.  She had a rare disease that caused her death.  Her parents held her closely, loving her tenderly and weeping for as long as they possibly could.  It was tragic, and in the midst of such agony, there lived such hope.  (See Christa’s blog at christablack.com).  Reading Christa’s blog post and experiencing her grieving process through her Instagram account put me in my own thought process regarding influence, pain and evangelism.

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Many people flock to listen to Howard Stern's radio show because he tends to be honest and raw. While uncouth and controversial at times, Howard is faithful to voice an honest opinion, ask real questions, and appreciate an artist’s ingenuity. His influence extends to the many that either support and appreciate his views and radio show or those who critique or attack it.

Similarly, as it relates to writing, an author’s audience is directly related to his or her realm of influence, reputation, and integrity (or lack thereof).  People don’t tend to read the material of someone who isn’t well-known, professionally recognized, or has had little contribution or impact to society.  But it all begins somewhere, right?  You work with what you've got, steward what you've been given, and watch your influence grow.  If you treat people poorly or don’t take seriously the influence you do have, it can quickly dwindle down.  There’s so much truth in these words from John C. Maxwell, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”  Christa’s level of influence can be associated with her book God Loves Ugly, renowned success in songwriting, powerful public speaking, blog posts, and so much more.  It can be said that she models good stewardship and relies heavily on her relationship with Jesus to care for people well.

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And reeling it in for the pain bit, I must make the point that while God doesn't send tragedy to teach us, it does teach us something while depositing empathy that we need to comfort others.  Paul wrote about this directly in his letter to the church at Corinth – “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).  Many of the great Christian revivalists in history were marked by loss and tragedy that fueled them with compassion to affect countless people that were hurting, sick or dying.  John G. Lake, a healing revivalist, lost many siblings and eventually his first wife to illness.  He also saw countless touched by God, miraculously healed, and forever changed. Lake is one of many revivalists covered in Roberts Liardon’s book, God’s Generals.

I can speak personally, though my pain doesn’t include many deaths of loved ones (excluding grandparents), it does leak of heartache and betrayal.  While God is a Restorer of all things, certain processes helped create in me a bent towards others who are hurting or who have been betrayed.  Bill Johnson, apostle and pastor of Bethel Church in Redding, California, spoke on a Sunday in October 2013 in regards to mission work and had some great things to say about pain:

“All insanity at its root has efforts to avoid pain… You can’t live in a world insulated [from] or without pain and think you’re normal… Pain often moves you to action.”

I can’t imagine what Christa and her husband felt and are currently feeling as they grieve the loss of their baby girl.  They’re comforted by loved ones who grieve with them, by an abundant God, Who is immensely loving, and by the knowledge that they’ll see her again in heaven.

This process that we all go through when we or those close to us experience pain is something God uses for good.  He works all things together for our good according to Romans 8:28.  He’s redeeming like that.  Sometimes I ask for compassion in prayer.  Other times it’s poured into me after heartache.  Whatever the case, I am better equipped to love others well.  This is the heart of evangelism.

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My obsession with a hope-filled future and a really good heavenly Father gives me a slightly biased opinion on evangelism.  You can hear so many different ways, methods or traditions regarding this topic from various religions or Christian denominations.  But my favorite is one that isn't confined to a formula.  It’s simply to let God love me and then I do my best to love those around me.  I don’t type this from a place of “arriving.”  There’s always room to grow and everyone needs to be loved outrageously on a day-to-day basis.  When my life has reached its end and I’m seeing Jesus face to face, I want to hear Him say, “Good job, Dear One.  You loved well.”

Yeah, I do want to be a good writer with great influence.  The path to that future began a long time ago, but it’s one that I must choose to walk daily.  Greatness doesn't always involve overcoming tragedy, but it does entail overcoming obstacles and stewarding well what you’re given.  Pain is something that we need (I need) to stop avoiding.  It just leads to insanity.  There is wisdom in being a good steward of your heart.  But whenever you love people, you’re exposing yourself to potential pain.  Take heart, pain is not your end.  It is merely a means to a beginning of compassion to love even more people with a heart that’s been mended and constantly loved by Jesus.

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P.S.  I’m praying for you, Christa Black.  Thank you for being transparent and loving well.

Breaking Point

A recent bout with the flu had me snuggling up to NetFlix over the past few days.  I encountered an entertaining dance film of the BBC persuasion called 'Street Dance.'  It follows a group of street dancers who, through a string of events, are forced to include some ballet dancers in their crew.  These dancers must come together to perform (and ideally win) a street dance competition in the UK.  They name their new dance crew "Breaking Pointe," a combo of words to indicate breaking the traditional dance rules, and including pointe, as a well-known form of ballet dance.  Usually street dance, with its many styles of hip hop, break-dancing and the like would never include a style of dance as structured and rigid as ballet.  My love for dance, with an interest in both styles of ballet and hip hip, and growing affection for all things British set the stage for me to love this film.  I highly recommend it.

The name of the dance crew of this awesome movie (if I do say so myself) has summarized the place I've found myself in at the end of almost four months in California.  I have been studying Jesus abroad, in a sense.  I've learned a lot about the Bible, the story of translations and how they came to be, contextual truths of \scripture with regard to early church culture, and so much more.  Then comes the stuff you learn outside of the classroom: where your trust lies, the ugly truths about what you believe and why, the hidden fears you didn't deal with or even know you had, etc.  Certain journeys and processes can happen in your own home and church culture.  However, my journey has led me here, to this very place of Redding, California... to a home and lovely group of ladies who now make up a life dance crew called #567.

I've had to face some core beliefs that aren't so pretty.  You know the ones shaped by your dysfunctional childhood and corresponding defense mechanisms to survive?  One of the core values (lenses through which you see and base your life on) of the school of ministry I attend is that 'God is good.'  Pretty basic, right?  Well, I learned that I agreed intellectually, but there were some areas in my heart where I struggled, unknowingly.  I've been through my own series of circumstances, ups and downs, and discovered that at my Breaking Point - the point where I thought I would lose it all - is really the point where I deal truthfully and find that impossibilities, fears, and lack don't separate me from a God that is good.  I finally know about myself, that no matter what happens (even failure), something has happened to my heart so much so that I could never turn away from what Jesus has done for me or the relationship He's invited me into with Him.

This is the promise I hold onto when all else seems to fade away -
... He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor fosake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!]
So we take comfort and are encouraged and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me?  - Hebrews 13:5-6 (Amplified)

Walk It Out...

Things in life can become overwhelming if you only consider the epicness of a single event and not all the steps that bring it together.  For example, a wedding day can potentially bring on a lot of emotions and anxieties.  When you consider all the necessary components of a venue, an officiant, a DJ, caterer, guest list, invitations, seating arrangement, honeymoon destination, hotel accommodations, etc all at once, some people would rather elope than deal with all of those factors.  But if broken up into smaller pieces and maybe delegating certain tasks, the bigger picture becomes less intimidating and more approachable in planning.  People occasionally procrastinate because the situation at hand seems hopeless.

As I enter into the third week in Redding, California, I also need to take days at a time to absorb what has happened in order to continue walking out this desire that's taking on a new life of it's own.  Otherwise, I freak out.  A lot has happened.  I've met amazing people, bonded strongly with my lovely, spunky roommates, been blown away by the generosity of kind souls, and experienced the comfort of a loving God.

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Any and every transition can appear scary because in essence it's a new thing - never to have been experienced before. But until you walk it out, you tend to only focus on what you're leaving behind and not what you're gaining or the doors that will start flying open once you take the first step.  The first step is often the hardest.  You may feel like you're being asked to walk on water, and it's possible that's exactly what the Doctor ordered.  To trust in God is easy if everything He asks of you makes sense logically.  We've been called to live a life that is orchestrated by an unseen reality and a relationship with a God Who is everywhere and also personally with you all the time.  Eventually you need to trust more in a relationship than logic.  Eventually I need to trust more in my relationship with God than what naturally makes sense.

People who think outside of the box are always labeled negatively at some point.  Those that inspire often think differently than the mass majority. I'm becoming more comfortable with the label 'crazy.'  If you never do what you dream of, you're the one left disappointed, not everyone else. And since when is failing more of a risk than playing it safe?  It depends on your perspective, I guess.  Some people never see God move because they live like they don't need Him.  Third world countries see more resurrections because they have less options.  They've even become commonplace ( http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/1796994/posts ).

So personally, this step into the unknown has been a hard and scary one.  But I've learned fear often blocks the door to your destiny, barking like dogs of doom (paraphrase of Kris Vallotton).  What you're passionate about but afraid to step out on could be linked to a destiny greater than you could have imagined.  Don't despise the faith you may have, though it seems small.  It may not seem like enough to cover an impossibility, but for me it started small and caused me to take the necessary steps to plan for a different future.  There's a scripture in Zechariah 4 that warns us "not to despise small beginnings."  In the New Testament, Jesus tells the story of a man who was a good steward over what he was given.  Because he was faithful over a few things, he would be given much more (see Matthew 25:23).

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As for a personal update, I've been living with three amazing roommates from the UK.  We've been supplied many things for free as God has moved on the hearts of the people here.  In Proverbs 25, it says that the heart of a king is in the hand of the Lord and He can turn it whatever way He chooses.  Favor from God can be seen in kindness and generosity received from men and women.  Since being in Redding, I've received $1400 in donations towards my tuition.  I've faced fear many times and, for the most part, acted in spite of it.  I've applied to quite a few jobs, as I'm looking for part-time employment.  Please keep me in your prayers as I look for doors of opportunity.  I have been finding that I have what I need when I need it.  And I've learned to become more thankful for the present, instead of worrying about the future.  Yay God.  :)

In closing, I would encourage you to venture out of your comfort zone.  Maybe put yourself in a place where you need God, or simply ask Him to make you hungry for more.  Then, let Him lead you.  Start with a single step.  Don't be afraid to fail.  God is bigger than any failure or sin.  He's not threatened by it.  He doesn't stop being good or loving you because of it.  Be brave.  Keep calm... and walk it out.  :)

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