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Coming from a ministry school that did community and relationships well, to having no real church home has been quite traumatic to me. It takes time to build lasting relationships and find your niche in a structure as layered as a church. It's just a bit weird. The idea of church is a lot simpler than the natural logistics. You think you're coming to a local community of believers to worship and celebrate Jesus, and you do that, quite efficiently. But it's the "doing life" with people that I want. It's the 'loving God and letting him love you through the highs and lows of life' that I'm missing and longing for. Losing that spiritual edification that I had almost daily with school and my awesome roommates has left me quite insecure and unsure of who I am. I feel called to write blogs and books for purposes not too clear to me at the moment, but who would want to read them? What influence do I have now? What qualifications do I really possess? I even have had this vision of me teaching and sharing my story with thousands. Who would listen? Who would buy a ticket to that show?
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Father's Day just passed and it left me both sad and angry, among other things. Life on Facebook can be quite picture perfect. Only God and the hypocrites know what life is really like. So many seem to have fathers worthy of pride and honor. They love well and provide for their families, which is absolutely awesome. A healthy family structure is what everyone in this word needs (at least that's what I believe). But I just found myself jealous and angry. My heart has desired a natural father and a spiritual one (who's personal and NOT distant) for many years. My biological dad is still alive, but not super present in my life emotionally or otherwise. My stepdad of close to 20 years left and is remarried now. And my "spiritual dad" let me go without a fight. Talk about Daddy wounds. I'll raise my hand first for prayer for that altar call.
Another hump in the road has been my attempt to bring meaning to my work/professional life. I never saw myself in the veterinary field long-term, but it is where I've stayed. Yet another familiar place. Sometimes the familiar is so welcoming when the unknown is so vast and expansive. I understand why the men long ago thought the Earth was flat. The world seems to drops off at the end of what you know. Anyway (back from the rabbit trail), I have been making small attempts at aligning my passions, desires, interests, and personality traits to find a career that suits me best, but the hope-ometer is dancing on low there, too. Leave it to me to get burned by a "helping professional." Guess it would be important to figure out the lie I'm believing in this area of my life. There's a quote stated in the Bethel community often which rings in my ears as I type this - "Whatever area of your life isn't glistening with hope is under the influence of a lie." Jesus, help me.
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So as I sit here punishing my English Breakfast tea and Cadbury Dairy Milk, I find myself in need of hope. Tastes of nostalgia cause me to fondly remember the past. But it's the future I need hope for. I don't want that time in Redding to be the highlight of my life. It has been a reference point for me of how a church community can be and has provided a real-life model for small groups and relationship-building. Angela, my revival group pastor, did initially tell me that BSSM facilitates a greenhouse effect, in the sense that the environment is set for quick growth. It allows for just the right amount of fellowship, edification, truth, direction, instruction, and freedom for people to find their identities and move forward in life, and potentially ministry. Upon reflection, I wish I would have focused on ways to maintain what I learned to triumph in this season. We did read a book by Bill Johnson called "Strengthening Yourself in the Lord" towards the end of the school year which delved into the truth of seasons in life where you and Jesus are your only sources of encouraging yourself along the way. I'm not meaning to throw myself a massive pity party. I do have friends and family to support me, just not to the degree or in the same way as before. To be honest, my relationship with the Lord has taken a backseat during this transition that appears to be lasting longer than expected. It's amazing how you can let go of dreams and visions you had for your life when hope and community fade away. I think that's why Paul told us not to forsake the gathering of the saints. Not so that every church would receive tithes (though tithing is Biblical), but that the people (the actual church) would be edified.
Now I've been through enough to know I'm not a victim and there are things I can do to change my situation, if nothing more than to adjust my attitude. It becomes challenging though when you lack motivation to do so and the lie that "nothing will change or get better so why do anything?" seems so relevant.
I guess my point in all this is to simply be vulnerable, express the need that I (and many others) have for community to continue along with hope in their own journey. I find that when I'm feeling discouraged and overwhelmed with my own life, helping or encouraging someone else takes my focus off the negative and brings the light of life to another human being. Someone will always have it worse. That doesn't make your pain or process less valid; it just helps to bring a different perspective. I have a sweet friend and coworker who was recently diagnosed with lymphoma. What she's dealing with now is something that I hope I never have to take on myself. But she is a fighter and surrounded by many people who love her. In fact, I believe in a Jesus who could heal her instantly or over time and through Western medicine (however He chooses to do so). Viewing my own life and difficulties in light of her current battle with cancer makes my troubles seem like candy rain on a happy parade.
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I can give you take-aways on what to do to increase your hope level during discouraging times. Those are necessary. But I think it's also important to know that we all go through times of discouragement. Jesus is not unaware of our challenges. He seems to know just when and where to send His love in an obvious way to remind you that you're not in this alone, that He is for you, and that He cares for you quite personally. So instead of a hope-based quote, I think I'll just type a prayer for you to read to yourself internally or out loud. Scream it from the rooftops if you want. Your voice is significant and doesn't lose it's value during seasons of process and silence. Just remember, when you start speaking up again, you are loved.
"Dear Lord Jesus, please fill me with your grace and mercy today. Please remind me of Your love and purposes for me. God of hope, fill me with hope today, even in what some would call "hopeless" situations. Holy Spirit I welcome you to come close and give me a new perspective. Please help me to hold on to the truths that You are good and You always care for me. You make my story beautiful. Help me steward my life in a way that brings You glory. Thank You for your eternal pursuit of me. You rock."
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