I haven’t written much in a while. To be honest, I’ve been a bit unsure as to how to publicly reveal my process and thought it might be a bit “too much” for people. This morning, I think I found the language I needed. Or maybe my internal processing has finally reached the “reveal” stage.
This morning as I laid in bed, I decided to scroll through my gallery of pictures in my phone. I felt drawn to the ones taken when I was living in Redding, California. Personally, I occasionally need a picture, journal entry or something seemingly insignificant to spark a memory or awaken my true identity. There are so many voices trying to tell us who we are whether in the media, social media, our past, current problems, broken relationships, or perceived failures, and the list continues. In this stage of my life, I find myself having to internally battle for what I thought I won in personal, spiritual growth over the past year. The truths that were established in me are rising to meet the naysayers, but not without me having to confront what I believe about myself, my journey, and my current surroundings.
 |
| View from Hilltop. Redding, CA |
I knew I’d return to Maryland this past summer. My beloved twin sister was getting married and I had reached the end of my funds. I would at least have to work for the summer before returning to BSSM, that is, if I was returning. I didn’t think I’d be able to make it through first year most of the time. So why not try for second year… maybe? I had this expectation that things would fall into place after graduating first year and that I would just have more of a knowing about my future regarding second year and in general. This has NOT been my experience… and thus enters my old enemy/friend, Disappointment.
As the school year was drawing to a close, there was this “harmless,” persistent question among classmates and the Bethel staff that plagued me and targeted my uncertainty: “Are you gonna do 2nd year?” My answer had become, “No. I’m gonna go back home.” But it wasn’t my response because I didn’t want to return to BSSM. It was here that I first experienced what it was like to live a dream that I carried in my heart for years. It was here that I lived so many highs and lows, that while it wasn’t comfortable, I knew I was alive. Nobody had to tell me to be thankful. It bubbled out of me daily to God in prayer. This was an opportunity of a lifetime. I knew it and I made it a point to treasure every day. There were a lot of factors that played into my answer to return to Maryland long-term. I was able to attend school this past year because of the generosity of many people who donated finances towards my tuition and living expenses. It felt irresponsible for me to commit to second year and, in a sense, “tax” the people who made this possible. I also wanted to find out for myself if this stuff really worked, meaning could I live a victorious life with Jesus from all that I gained from intense teaching at this amazing school. Now I realize, it does work. The question is if I can hold onto who I am and what I believe while living apart from my Bethel community.
 |
| View from the Civic Center - Redding, CA |
 |
| Bethel Church - Redding, CA |
Now, I can’t explain it to the super rational mind. There was something in me that felt freed from Maryland and my old life once I left for California. I knew I felt like I was trapped before, but the thought of coming back and being “stuck” again mildly tormented me. Please understand, I love my family, boyfriend, and coworkers. I’m still trying to pinpoint the root of this feeling. Regardless of the root cause however, Maryland is my home again, some friends have already started second year, and my journey has been quite ugly and raw to the average “Christian.”
I come from a “Word of Faith” background where people are encouraged to speak faith-filled words about their lives, process, God, etc. I don’t think this is bad. In fact,it’s where I came from. But to deny your current truth for the sake of appearances is not how I operate. How can I welcome encouragement and help honestly without telling you what I’m experiencing, even if it’s negative? I think this mindset of speaking faith began with God, but has since gotten a bit twisted with the lies that sin is big, evil, and dirty; that God can’t deal with my sin; and if I’m holy, I can’t look upon your ugly without being tainted.” It’s bogus really and fear-based. God isn’t surprised by my “ugly.” He even invites confrontation with Himself because He desires pure relationship. It’s in healthy confrontation where an exchange of truth can occur and a new normal can be created. Show me an honest, intimate relationship whether among family members, close friends, or a husband and wife, and I can guarantee you that it’s not always pretty. Actually, it can be quite messy. But that’s okay. When your goal in relationship is connection, you’ll be committed to work through mess.
 |
| Three of my housemates at the Sundial Bridge |
 |
| My amazing small group during first year. They make me brave. |
For months now, I’ve danced with the thought that I failed and was being punished. Social media can be a blessing and a curse. Many of my classmates were returning and telling all of Facebook the euphoria they felt as they started their second year journey. I had to take a hiatus from it so that I wouldn’t boil over with jealousy. After all,I had my time and lived my dream for 8 months, right? I had experienced what it was like to be a part of a culture that embraced the truth that God is a good Father, extremely personal, and desires freedom for me in every way imaginable. What more could I ask for? If I had done well and God was pleased with me, why am I back here? Why do I feel so out of place and that I simply can’t go back to the “way things used to be” at my old church? Weird huh? I go to a Christian Revival School and feel most out of place at church.
 |
| Taken inappropriately during class at BSSM :) |
It’s ironically quite easy to slip into old mindsets when you get into old environments if you allow yourself to forget who you are. I used to think back on the times in Redding, with my lovely housemates and classmates and feel deep sadness and regret. Now, I’ve graduated to actually trying to put to use what I’ve learned, pick my head up, and move forward. Some days are harder than others and I don’t really know what it’s going to look like to “move forward.”
 |
| Declarations by Seth Dahl for Children's Church at Bethel |
I am most encouraged during these challenging times by the extreme goodness of God’s nature. Despite the pain and rejection I may have felt/feel from churches or Christians in my past or present, I am still drawn to this eternally kind Jesus. I don’t go to church for the sake of church. I go because I need fellowship with believers who aren’t afraid of my mess. It’s true Jesus died for all of my sin (and everyone else’s), but there is a heavenly mindset He also came to give us. It’s a mindset where all things are possible because I believe that He’s good, and that I can love someone abundantly because He’s loved me completely.
Don’t worry about me, though, guys. Even if I’ve failed in the eyes of some, I’m approaching my days with a better attitude. Remember, you’re nobody’s victim. Unless of course, you’re the victim of Poppa’s amazing love. People are gonna get it wrong sometimes. Everyone does at some point and needs to be loved through their mess. If sin scares you, your god is too small.
Check out 1 John 4:18. Perfect love drives out fear. Fear has torment. Be made perfect (whole entire) by being loved by a good Father who knows what He's doing (even if you don't).
 |
| Image via Pinterest |
 |
| The Bridesmaids and Bride of the Blair Wedding in Maryland |
